In the corporate and business world we learn about certain aspects of relationships like how to be a good team player and how to become a good team leader. Yet rarely do you learn in a work setting how to become a good partner in romantic relationships. Arielle Ford specializes in helping people create meaningful romantic relationships with a focus on how to manifest your soulmate. She shares how she became an expert on love and relationships from her experience as a literary agent and starting a couple of more careers that wasn’t even on her to-do list. Learn the importance of shifting your energies from feminine to masculine by being conscious in your relationship.
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Manifest Your Soulmate For A Meaningful Relationship with Arielle Ford
I feel so blessed and lucky and grateful to be here in this very moment. Reminded in every moment that I am truly present and not in my head about something or thinking about the future, tomorrow, next month. Worrying or somehow regretting something of the past. Whenever I’m not in that state of being and rather I am present, I am grateful because I realize, as I will remind all of you in this moment, that we are so blessed right here and now. We take a deep breath. As we take a deep breath or receive a breath in this moment, we can know for certain that there are people that are at this very moment, taking their very last breath. There are also people that are taking their first breath or being born in this moment. There’s something sacred that’s happening right here and now and I, for one, love to celebrate that. It’s a reminder for myself, not just for all of you, but for me as well.
I’m also feeling grateful for the fact that I have a dear soul that is on our podcast as a guest and she’s just this divine, lovely lady that I enjoy her company. I enjoy her work. She’s created quite a legacy of work over the years. I’ll share a little bit about Arielle Ford. We’re going to have a rich conversation about transitions, about pivoting. Her specialty is important, meaningful relationships. Arielle Ford is a love and relationship expert and a leading personality in the personal growth in contemporary spirituality movement. For the last 25 years, she has been a living, breathing example of consciousness. In fact, she teaches how to promote consciousness through all forms of media. She’s a speaker and the producer and host of Evolving Wisdom’s Art of Love series. Arielle is a gifted writer, the author of eleven books, including the international bestseller, The Soulmate Secret: Manifest The Love of Your Life With The Law of Attraction.
I know that this has been such an important topic in my life, having met the person that I would definitely call my soul mate, my wife Randi. We met when we were nineteen. I was nineteen and she was eighteen, and we’d been married for 28 and a half years. We’ve had our ups and downs for sure. That relationship has certainly been a blessing, but not easy. I don’t know that any great or important relationship is necessarily easy, but it’s certainly worth all the work and all the effort. We’ve also seen lots of relationships in our friends and family go sideways as well. I don’t think there’s anything that’s more pivotal. More important and pivotal in our lives than the quality of our relationships, intimate, business, and otherwise.
I’m so happy to have you on the show. Welcome, Arielle.
Thank you. It’s exciting to be with you, Adam.
I gave a short snippet of what you’ve been up to. Would you fill in any gaps or any things that you want our listeners to know about you?
The older I get, the shorter I make my bio. I feel like I’ve had so many different careers and I’ve outgrown them all, but I spent twenty years of my life working in the publishing industry. I was a publicist and a literary agent and launched a lot of careers in the self-help, personal growth field, including Deepak Chopra, The Chicken Soup for the Soul, Wayne Dyer, Neale Donald Walsch, Don Miguel Ruiz, Gary Zukav, Dean Ornish. I worked with Louise Hay and Marianne Williamson. I was working with the people I most admired and respected and was interested in and I gave all that up in 2004. I woke up one morning and I was done. I shut down my business, which most people would’ve said I was crazy because when you’re number one in your field, you’re not supposed to walk away. That’s what I did. I just couldn’t do it one more day. Since then, I’ve gone on top of a couple of other careers including morphing into a love and relationship expert, which was certainly not on my to-do list, but evolved out of my own personal needs.
I woke up one morning when I was 43 years old and had this epiphany, which was, “I forgot to get married.”I was startled by the whole thing and I started to do a very quick life review and I realized that I was spending all my time and energy and massive manifesting magic on building my career and my business. I started to wonder if I could take all of that energy and apply it to my love life, and if I did, what would happen? I did. Within six months, I manifested Brian, who you know and have meet, who exceeded all my expectations. We’re about to celebrate our twentieth anniversary. That was part one because suddenly, I became the poster child for single women over 40 on how to manifest a soul mate.
People started asking me, “How did you do it? How can I do it?” I started sharing this information and suddenly, it became an internationally bestselling book and people were asking me to teach workshops. I have this parallel career to the other things I was doing. Once I got married, I made another shocking discovery. I wasn’t single. I was now married, but I discovered that I had absolutely zero partnership skills. I excelled at being the boss, but I sucked at being a partner and I decided at that point, to become a student of love. I wanted to find out, “Manifesting a soul mate wasn’t really all that difficult, but learning to live with him, that was something I had no ability to do.” That’s how I got from there to where I am today, out of great personal need and I happen to be a good student when it comes to love.
I know Brian and what a sweetheart of a man, so I could see why, when other people would see the relationship that you did manifest, you became an instantaneous expert in how to do it. I’m also fascinated by the last thing you said, which was that you weren’t such a great partner. One of the most important things in business is that we learn how to work well with others and collaborate with others. That’s probably something we’re supposed to learn when we’re in kindergarten as well, how to play well in the sandbox.
Yet for many of us, including from personal experience, I’ve been a solopreneur many times during my life and found it easier to work on my own, easier to be the one making the rules, being the boss, and giving the directives in charge. Even when I did venture into business, it was in the role of CEO, which meant I was the ultimate order giver and not so good at being on the team in that regard. That was something for me to examine and explore, but in an intimate relationship for sure. You’ve got to be great partner to have a great relationship. I’m saying that and I know that’s been the case for me is that been the truth was welcomed.
I had to learn how to do it. I was a solopreneur. I had no clue how to be a team player. Brian was a former pro-athlete who spent his entire life excelling in team sports. I was able to learn from him. I excelled at being the boss. I knew what I wanted when I wanted it, and how I wanted it. I was going to tell you what to do, when to do it, when to deliver it. Not only did we get married and move in together, but we also started a literary agency together. We started a business together and we had totally different working styles. I’m a real ‘get it done instantly’ person. When I worked with Deepak Chopra all those years, his nickname for me was Speedy because I could get things done really fast. I would just trust my gut instincts and move on stuff.
Brian has a totally different work style. He’s very thoughtful and deliberate. He doesn’t want to rush anything and takes his time and doesn’t want to be given deadlines. A concept that I would throw a contract on his desk for some big deal and a publishing house and it wasn’t on my desk the next morning was baffling to me. I had to learn to understand that he had a different style and it wasn’t necessarily better or worse than mine. I had to learn to live with it and I grew to appreciate it. He put attention on minutiae and details that are important in contracts, which I was not interested in. I was interested in the big picture. There was a lot for me to learn. That was part of it.
The other part of it that was problematic for me was the whole feminine-masculine energy concept because when women are working, we’re in our masculine energy and it’s fun to be out there creating and making stuff happen and bleeding in. If you want to have a happy relationship with an Alpha masculine man, then it was my job to bring my feminine energy to it. I had to learn how to do that. I had to learn how to lean back and receive and segue out of my masculine ahead at the end of a workday and into my more feminine space. Sometimes, women don’t understand when I say this, they actually hear this as “I had to change who I am.”That’s not what I’m saying at all. I had to become more of who I really am at my feminine essence in order to be a great partner.
It’s one of the greatest challenges that I’ve seen. Coming from a masculine perspective here, but with my wife, I know that she often was working with women and coaching them in small women’s circles. Finding that one of the greatest challenges for women was their inability to conduct business authentically or the way it was coined back to me was that many of these women were conducting business as pretend men. I’ve had that.
I’ve witnessed in a lot of situations where I’ve thought, “Is this woman operating from a place of where she’d feel natural and comfortable and the best of herself would be showing up, or is she adopting a mindset or a demeanor that’s meeting me or meeting the situation where she thinks it has to be because it’s more of a male energy, a masculine energy?” Is there the ability, do you think, that women are able to embrace both sides? Is that what you’re saying? Or is it a question of women realizing in the workplace or in the business space, maybe that they get further faster and they’re more productive and they get more stuff done and they’re more successful when they adopt this more masculine energy and way of being?
It’s totally natural for women to be using their masculine energy when they’re at work. They go out there, go for it, get it done, be competitive, let everybody see how smart you really are. All that’s great. It’s just that when you’re in your romantic relationship and your partner is a masculine now and that’s your preference, we don’t want to bring that energy into the romantic relationship. For one thing, it’ll kill your sex life. There’s just no polarity there. Most masculine men don’t want to be bossed around, told what to do, be competitive with their partner. It’s a dance and, masculine then also had their feminine side.
When you’re with a partner and you can go in and out of both energies, once you understand what you’re up to, but for me, I had to really study this. We did a lot of workshops around this with David Deida and other people in the field. I needed to understand myself, Brian needed to understand himself. When we first started the business, we’d go out to dinner and in the middle of dinner he’d start talking about a particular contractor, a particular deal and I didn’t know why at the time, but something felt really off to me. I’ve just got home. I practiced my belly dancing. I took a bath. I put on makeup and a dress. We’re out to dinner and now he’s talking business. I would try to gently say, “Let’s not talk business now.” He’d say, “But why? It’s fun.” It’s fun, but then I have to put my work hat back on and I just went to all this trouble to take my work hat off. It became a process, and fortunately in a short amount of time, we became pretty adept at it. It was an awareness that I didn’t have prior to getting married.
For everyone that are married, this is really important that we realize there is this transition. The concept of the podcast is pivot and ways in which we pivot. What you’re sharing with us is one of these pivot points and that may be the point at which you crossed the threshold of your home. You walked in the door and maybe you’ve been out of the house working all day, I’m speaking for women that are returning from work, there’s this moment of transition. That’s what you’re saying.
Part of it, for me, I went into this marriage having no real understanding that men’s brains are wired differently from women. How they operate is totally different from women. For instance, men are wired to win. They want a couple of things in life. They want to win, they want to be respected, and they want to make their woman happy. If you’re bitching, moaning, complaining, carrying on, begging and they can’t make you happy, they’re losing. At the same time, if you’re standing in front of the mirror going, “I can’t believe I’ve gained twenty pounds. There’s so much cellulite on my thighs and my face is falling,” they’re losing because they chose you. If you want to bitch and moan and complain about how you look, do it to a girlfriend, don’t do it to your husband because you’re setting them up to lose.
The other thing is it’s easy to get a guy to do whatever you want them to do. You got to talk to them in a really sweet tone of voice. You can only make one request at a time and you have to do it at a time and place that really works for them. If you do those three things, most men will give you anything that you want. If they come walking in the door from work and you start barking at them and saying, “I need this. Do you want to do this? I can’t believe you forgot to do A, B, C, and D,” all they’re going to do is tune you out there. They’re going to tune you out. I wrote a book called Turn Your Mate into Your Soulmate, and this book is everything I wish I’d known on the day that I had gotten married. It’s the complete guide to taking your partner and turning everything around. It even includes scripts on how to have hard conversations. It’s just this super amazing collection of stuff that I’ve studied over the last twenty years that really works.
If you’d have known this when you got married, what would have changed?
I would have been a lot more at ease for starters. Brian’s not one to complain. It’s one of his biggest faults is that he doesn’t complain. It would be easier if he did. I could see by the look on his face that I was annoying him lots of times, but I didn’t actually know why. Knowing that pointing my finger in his face with one hand on my hip carrying on about something was not the way to get what I wanted. It wasn’t kind. It wasn’t nice. It wasn’t respectful. It wasn’t loving. That was part of. It was never well-timed. It was, “You’re here. Let me download this to you.” It doesn’t work.
How about the single folks? It’s really important being in a committed relationship as I am, that married folks have access to greater tools. I can say these things that you’ve shared will have a huge impact on our community because even people in a long-term committed relationship want to do better. I know Randi and I did relationship work for a number of years and taught the what we called our Seven Pillars all over the world. We were always being approached by couples that loved each other. That wasn’t really in doubt. They wanted to do better. They wanted to feel better. More than doing better, they just wanted to feel better about their relationship. We also had people that came up to us who were not in relationship. They had been in relationships, some that didn’t go well. Others that had never been able to manifest their “soulmate” or somebody that they want to spend any length of time with.
A lot of those folks had gone headlong into business. Two-thirds in our community are women and a lot of those women are solopreneurs or career women that are not currently in a committed relationship. Even when we talked about the masculine energy that is helpful in business. Women were successful and are successful and yet are single. What can you say about that? For them, they’re not coming home and walking through the door and then turning on their feminine energy so that they have a better relationship with that other person. They’re walking into a home alone.
The thing that I’ve observed because I think our audiences are very much alike, is that smart, successful women spend an inordinate amount of time on their career and then they complain about being single, but they’re not doing anything about it. What I say to them is that, “If manifesting your soulmate/life partner is your number one desire, then you have to commit to making time for it.” That means making a commitment to spend 30 minutes every day on at least one online dating site. It means writing in your to-do list in your calendar right now, locking out chunks of time when you’re going to go on coffee dates and dates with people and go to Meetups and do things where you become visible, where somebody could actually meet you. People say, “I’ll make time for a relationship when I find someone.” That’s not how the universe works.
The universe abhors a vacuum. You have to put it on your calendar now so that it can fill up this time with dates so that it takes that commitment that, “Yes. I’m going to approach this as if I were about to start a new business.”Let’s say you were thirsty and you walked into Starbucks. You walked up to the counter, you said to the person, “I’m thirsty,” and that’s all you said. They would look at you like you’re crazy, but if you said, “I’d like at all half decaf soy latte with extra foam and two Splendas.” In three minutes, they would hand you what you just ordered. It’s that precision that you can use to manifest a soulmate, you want to place your order. When you place the order, this is not a laundry list of physical traits. “He’s got to 6’2”, dark curly hair, green eyes, earns $250,000 a year,” that isn’t what I’m talking about. What you have to do is some deep soul searching and look into your own heart and figure out what are the traits and qualities that your soul is most calling for in a mate.
You want to ask yourself as you write these down, “Will this contribute to my long-term happiness?” Their height, weight, and income level, whether or not they wear Armani or not is not going to contribute to your long-term happiness. They’re going to shrink, they’re going to gain weight no matter who they are. If they’re a millionaire now, they could be broke tomorrow. You want qualities like somebody who leads a healthy lifestyle, someone who’s caring and fun and generous. I don’t mean generous with their wallet, I mean generous with their time, energy, affection, and appreciation. Somebody who’s financially responsible, that’s really important. That’s more important than the dollars they have in the bank because the money comes and goes. Your money will come and go.
If you have someone you trusts who is financially responsible, you can work things out and you have to have real clarity on key things. If you live in San Diego and you love San Diego and you’re always going to live here, you need somebody who either already lives here or is willing to move. If you’re a 38-year-old woman who definitely wants to have a family, then you need to be manifesting somebody who shares that goal with you. There’s just clarity that you have to have before you even go on this mission. There are hundreds of thousands of potential soulmates for everybody out there. There are 7.3 billion people alive on this planet. Half of them are single. The only thing stopping you from being with your soulmate is you. That’s the only thing in your way because if you’re willing to invest a little time and energy and intention and attention, you can make this happen. I’ve got so much proof of this. I’ve got first time brides that are 50, 60. I have second time brides in their 70s and 80s. I’ve had this work for people in 40 countries around the world. It’s a process I call The Soulmate Secret. It absolutely works, but you have to participate.
What is a soulmate? How do you define a soulmate?
I believe a soulmate is somebody you can completely be yourself with, somebody with whom you share unconditional love. When you look into their eyes, you have the experience of being home. If you accept this definition, then the good news is that all of us already have a ton of soulmates in our lives. It could be our kids or siblings, our parents, our coworkers, our dogs or cats. If you’re single and you want a romantic soulmate life partner, then spend time every day dropping into your heart and having appreciation and gratitude for all the love you already have. When your attention is on all the love you already have, that makes your heart magnetic to romantic love.
This is the deal. This romantic love can be new romantic love, but it can also be additional romantic love from the spouse or the partner that you have currently. We know people complain a lot about maybe not getting enough affection or the sex life isn’t what it was or any of these other types of things that lead to discontent and even disease in a relationship. What you just said is really profound for both singles and couples.
The thing that happens with a lot of people that causes so much trouble is we have not been taught what love is. People think that love is a feeling. There are some feelings to love, but real mature adult love is not a feeling. It’s a behavior. It’s a practice. It’s a choice. It’s a decision. It’s an action. It’s a way of being. Having been married as long as you have, there are days when you may even hate your soulmate. You don’t like them at all, but that doesn’t mean you don’t love them. It doesn’t mean you don’t behave in loving ways because the feelings come and go. The state of being in love, it’s just a drug high. It’s nature’s trick to get us to procreate. When we’re in that day called being in love or what I really like to call the socially acceptable form of insanity, our brain is cascading dopamine and adrenaline and oxytocin, all these feel-good hormones, but it doesn’t last. You get it for six months to eighteen months. Some people get it as long as three years and then that tends to disappear, and it comes back occasionally.
I have ways to show you how to make it come back, but that isn’t what real love is. It’s really important to understand that when you’re single and you’re out there choosing the person to spend the rest of your life with, you have to give it time. You can’t just say, “He’s my soul mate. How do I know? I feel that, I just know it. We’ve been together lifetimes.”You’ve known him for 30 days. You think he’s your soulmate. You don’t know a thing about him. You have no idea if he has the capacity to be a true life partner. I just want to say one more thing about this. It takes a year to get to really know somebody, to really decide I could spend my life with this person. At the end of the year, there are several things you need to look and see that you really have. Chemistry is part of it, but it’s actually the smallest part of it. Do you have communication, connection, compatibility, and most importantly a shared vision for the future?
Arielle, this has been a wonderful conversation. When you talk about love and the fact that so many people are not defining love accurately or don’t have a definition at all necessarily for love other than the feeling, don’t you believe that this is something that goes back to childhood, that most people have not learned how to love themselves and that began early on in their life? Their early emotional development didn’t share with them or inform them how it is that you love yourself and therefore they don’t really have a difference?
There are lots of parts to this and we could talk for hours about it, but here are my thoughts about it. The purpose of soulmate love is to heal each other on the deepest level. Your soul mate has the unofficial playbook to push all your buttons, to kick up all your childhood wounds, to kick them up for healing. That’s the point of taking sacred vows. To create the safe container in which we can heal our past. All of us have wounds from our childhood. The idea that you have to really love yourself before you can manifest what I call big love, soulmate love, is something I disagree with. If you’re a self-loathing, self-hating cutter, you’re not ready for a relationship.
For most people, you could accept the fact that there’s somebody out there who’s going to love all of you right now. Even if you’re 30 pounds overweight, it doesn’t matter. There’s somebody out there for you who’s going to love you for who you are. When you’re with them and you see the love they have for you reflected in their eyes, that’s when you begin to love yourself even more so. There’s nothing more healing than to find your soulmate and start a life together.
Arielle, I know we’re going to have a gift for folks that, a way for them to access a free Love Manifesting instructional video, which I think is really cool. Before we get there, I would love to know if there’s a ritual or a practice that you have, a conscious practice that I like to refer to as a ritual, but something that you do to remind yourself of the important things like staying in your heart or is there something else that you do to be more resilient in your relationships? Be more resilient in life?
I have a practice that I call Feelingization. It’s actually a word that I’ve trademarked. Everybody’s familiar with visualizations, but visualizations are pretty pictures in your head. I want a new convertible BMW and, in my mind, I see myself driving down the freeway and the wind is blowing my hair and I can feel the wood and steering well my hand. If your internal feeling side is saying, “I don’t deserve it. I can’t afford it. I’m never going to have it.” You can visualize all day long and you’re never going to get it. In a Feelingization, it’s a guided process where I take people from their head to their heart. We drop into re-experiencing moments of love and gratitude on a really deep, visceral level. Once we’re in the presence of love and appreciation and gratitude, then we drop in our desires and I give all these away for free on my website. It’s SoulmateSecret.com and there’s a tab called Free Stuff in the free section or all the feelingizations. I do feelingizations all the time just to drop into my heart because I mostly liked to live in my head and that’s not where love lives. Love lives in your heart.
At that same website, which is SoulmateSecret.com/Color, everyone can also get the Love Manifesting Educational book, right?
Scroll down the page, but there’s a video on that page which is a 30-minute video on how to color your way to love. For those who already have their soulmate, on the homepage, it’s Soulmate Secret. You can click on the banner to get free chapters of Turn Your Mate into Your Soulmate.
Arielle, what a blessing to have this conversation with you. I don’t think there’s anything that’s more important than relationships. The quality of our relationships is equal to the quality of our lives. Working on them and getting some distinctions as to how to have more beautiful relationships is really worth the effort, worth the time. I’m so happy we took the time.
Thank you. It’s been really fun talking with you.
For all of you that have not yet joined our beautiful podcast on a regular basis. I know a lot of people are binge listening. The subscription button is a great thing. It’ll take you right into iTunes and you can leave a review as well. We’d love to have your view, that would be helpful and the PIVOT Community. Many people are getting this great talk about relationships that are being built in a wonderful community on Facebook called Start My PIVOT and you can get there by going to PivotTFB.com. It takes you right to the front door of that community.
As we end and close out this session, I want to end as we begin with gratitude and appreciation for where we are in this very moment. There’s nothing more important to our relationship with ourselves and with every other being in the universe that we come in contact with, that we learn on a day-by-day basis how to love and appreciate ourselves that much more. I know Randi and I are fairly famous in our talks for saying that we don’t complete each other. It’s that all part of the Maguire movie. I love that scene where he comes in and says, “You complete me,” and Randi and I have always looked at that and said, “That’s just total, total horseshit.” How could somebody else complete us? That’s too much pressure to put on another person to complete you.
We’ve got to do that work ourselves and what a joy it is to do that work. My one recommendation is we leave this podcast is that you do something to care for yourself. Self-care is a small act, but it really trains. It trains me. I’ll just speak from my own perspective, when I care for myself, whether it’s to go get a massage or go to the gym or take a walk and breathe air or go buy flowers for my wife or whatever it is that makes me feel good about myself, that act of self care is also training me to love myself. I want to give all of you one act of self-care to do that you can start tomorrow.
We can start even now, right this moment if you want to. I do it upon waking, which is why I suggest you do it tomorrow upon waking. I’m going to wave my magic wand right now because I get to do that since I have the microphone. I’m going to wave my magic wand and we all get to wake up tomorrow. What a blessing it is that we will get to wake up, to wake up our consciousness, to our minds, our bodies, our spirits, and of course, we know that it’s no guarantee of that. In that moment when we’re taking that first deep conscious breath, we can be grateful.
To be in gratitude in that moment for the people in your life, for the fact that you’re waking, that your eyes are opening for anything at all, that gratitude is so important. Part one, is wake up, part two is be in gratitude. The last part, if you’re willing to do this, is to declare out loud, to say literally out loud, “I love my life. I love my life, I love my life,” and I certainly love being here with you and really honor your time and I’m so happy that you’re part of this community. Thank you for joining us and we’ll see you in the next episode.
- Arielle Ford
- Evolving Wisdom’s Art of Love
- The Soulmate Secret: Manifest The Love of Your Life With The Law of Attraction
- David Deida
- Turn Your Mate into Your Soulmate
- The Soulmate Secret
- Free Stuff
About Arielle Ford
Arielle Ford is a love and relationship expert and a leading personality in the personal growth and contemporary spirituality movement. For the past 25 years she has been living, teaching, and promoting consciousness through all forms of media. She is a speaker and the producer and host of Evolving Wisdom’s Art of Love series.
Arielle is a gifted writer and the author of 11 books including the international bestseller, THE SOULMATE SECRET: Manifest The Love of Your Life With The Law of Attraction. She has just created the world’s first transformational coloring book based upon The Soulmate Secret, entitled, Inkspirations Love by Design: Coloring the Divine Path to Manifest Your Soulmate. This book blends Arielle’s step-by-step method for manifesting love with the romantic, original artwork of artist Manja Burton. It’s a fun, creative and powerful process!
She is also the author Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate devoted to exploring a simple, fun and effective way to attain groundbreaking shifts in perception so that you can embrace and find the beauty and perfection in yourself and your mate. I call this “going from annoyed to enjoyed!”
She has been called “The Cupid of Consciousness” and “The Fairy Godmother of Love.”
She lives in La Jolla, CA with her husband/soulmate, Brian Hilliard and their feline friends. Join her newsletter at www.soulmatesecret.com